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______ How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using
(__ __) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
/ /
/ /
(_/he proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have
stolen countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to
remember which language you're using. This guide is offered as a public
service to help programmers in such dilemmas.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them
all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible
since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just
pointing at others and saying, "that's me, over there."
Ada: If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United
States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in
front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his
feet."
Ada: After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently
load the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the
foot. When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the
wrong type.
Algol: You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is
esthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent
medic in the emergency room.
APL: You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you
don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened.
APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out
how to do it fewer characters.
Apple System 7: Double click the gun icon and a window giving a selection
for guns, target areas, plus ballon help with medical remedies,
and assorted sound effects. Click shoot button and small bomb
appears with note "Error of type 1 has occurred."
Assembly: You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system
administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After
a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself
in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting
at everyone in sight.
Assembly: You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you
must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.
BASIC: Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue
until entire lower body is waterlogged.
CLIPPER: You grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so that ou
can shoot yourself in the foot, and discover that the gun that the
bullet fits has not yet been built, but should be arriving in the
mail _REAL_SOON_NOW_.
COBOL: USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN
return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. Check whether shoelace needs
to be retied.
Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
DBase: You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that by
the time your foot feels the pain you've forgotten why you shot
yourself anyway. <rboatright>
DBase IV version 1.0: You pull the trigger, but it turns out that the gun
was a poorly-designed grenade and the whole building blows up.
English: You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.
(For those who don't know, English is a McDonnell Douglas/PICK query
language which allegedly requires 110% of system resources to run
happily.)
Forth: yourself foot shoot.
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out
of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run
out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-
processing ability.
Genetic Algorithms: You create 10,000 strings describing the best way to shoot
yourself in the foot. By the time the program produces the optimal
solution, humans have evolved wings and the problem is moot.
HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you.
Answer the result.
INFORMIX: The first gun doesn't work. Three months later INFORMIX's support
desk send another gun which doesn't match the version number of the
bullets. INFORMIX suggest you upgrade to INFORMIX-ONLINE. You pull
the trigger and you shoe gets wet.
INGRES: You pull the trigger, and your identical twin in San Franciso gets
shot. You then turn off distributed query optimisation.
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining
how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back
deep-fried.
Lisp: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun
with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the
gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
Modula/2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything
in the language, you shoot yourself in the head.
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the
trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the
ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling
the trigger, the gun jams.
Neural Networks: You train the network in how to shoot your foot, after which
it generalizes and keeps trying to locate some guy named Connor on
the net...
Objective-C (NeXT): You write a protocol for shooting yourself in the foot
so that all people can get shot in their feet.
OCCAM: You send a message to your finger, which sends a message to the
trigger, which sends a message to the firing pin, which sends a
message to the primer, which sends a message to the firing charge,
which sends a message to the bullet which sends a very unpleasant
message to your foot.
The pipeline continues to run, a hail of bullets emerging from the
output channel and drilling their way via your foot to the centre of
the earth. The high velocity arrival of such stupendous amounts of
lead creates a density shock-wave which eventually collapses beyond
its own event horizon. The black hole thus formed goes on to absorb
earth, most of the minor planets and the Sun.
The problems of your foot become increasingly insignificant during
this process.
Hyper intelligent beings from the planet Zorg nod their several heads
wisely and confide to each other:
`I always said Tony was a complete twat'
ORACLE: ORACLE sell you a gun, a box of bullets, a holster, a cardboard
mock-up of a wild-west town and a stetson. You find the trigger takes
twenty seven people to pull it. ORACLE provide 26 consultants all
with holsters, cardboard mock-ups and stetsons. The bullet doesn't
leave the gun-barrel and you hire four more ORACLE consultants to
optimise. The bullet bounces off your sandals. You decide to buy
INGRES. Richard Donkin shoots you in the foot.
Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
PL/I: You consume all available system resources, including all the
offline bullets. The DataProcessing&Payroll Department doubles
its size, triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and
drops the original one on your foot.
Prolog: You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot, but the bullet, failing
to find its mark, backtracks to the gun which then explodes in
your face.
Prolog: You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The
program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow
it to explain.
Revelation: You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon
as you figure out what all these bullets are for.
RTL: You start to really shoot yourself in the foot, but 6 slugs is too
many for an array and blows the compiler to pieces. Eventually you
realise you must rebuild the compiler to allow such huge arrays.
This is so stupid and boring that you start shoot yourself, but just
in time you are interrupted by .....
Scheme: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun
with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the
gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
...but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.
sh, csh, etc.:
You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five
hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the
computer and switch to C.
Smalltalk: You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing
system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your
workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character
terminal.
SNOBOL: You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to
be a bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then
changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot).
SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail,
shoot yourself in the right foot.
SQL: You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it
returns, it has a hole in it, but will no longer fit the
attachment at the end of your leg.
SYBASE: You carelessly invoke the procedure sp_insert_bullet() which firesa
trigger (neat, eh) on the table GUN. To maintain referential
integrity, the system invokes another trigger which inserts bullets
in your other foot, your shins, your thighs, pelvis and so on up to
the cranium. You are left in third normal form.
UNIX: % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm *.o
rm: .O: No such file or directory
% ls
%
Visual Basic: You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so
much fun doing it that you won't care.